I want to feel free to swagger.

Year of Yes, by Shonda Rhimes, 2015 (memoir)

When I'm reading a book and I come across something really good, something I know I'll want to return to, I might dog-ear the page. I don't like to do this; it feels a bit like defacing a piece of artwork. But under special circumstances, I will do it.

29 pages of my copy of "Year of Yes" are dog-eared. That’s about 10% of the pages, and it could’ve been much more … I just decided that it was getting a little silly dog-earring the entire book.

But this is what Shonda Rhimes has accomplished with "Year of Yes": a book that you know you’ll want to return to. Every single page of it. To laugh (she's very funny). To reflect. To enjoy.

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If you're unfamiliar with Shonda Rhimes' name, you sure know her work.

Rhimes is the many-times-over-award-winning creator and producer of "Grey's Anatomy," "Private Practice," and "Scandal," and the executive producer of "How to Get Away with Murder" and "The Catch." Her production company/land of imagination/true home is called Shondaland, and in it she reigns supreme.

A Black writer and producer, Rhimes is often credited with bringing diversity to TV, with Black leads, LBGTQ+ leads, female leads, etc. But she sees it differently.

“I really hate the word diversity. It suggests something … other. As if it is something … special. Or rare.

Diversity!

As if there is something unusual about telling stories involving women and people of color and LGBTQ characters on TV.

I have a different word: NORMALIZING.

I’m normalizing TV.

I am making TV look like the world looks.”

Rhimes' work is especially significant in a world where women make up less than one-third of key behind-the-scenes positions (i.e., creators, directors, writers, producers, executive producers, editors, and directors of photography). In 2018, women held just 27% of these positions for broadcast programs, cable programs, and streaming services.

BUT, things might be looking up -- thanks to Rhimes and women like her: In 2019, those numbers hit record highs at 31%, 31%, and 30%. And in 2020, they were 30%, 31%, and 35%.

Amazing accomplishments aside, Rhimes comes to the startling realization that she is not happy.

“I am miserable.

Admitting this takes my breath away. I feel as though I am revealing new information to myself. Learning a secret I’ve been keeping from myself.

I am miserable.

Truly, deeply unhappy. …

I used to be a really happy person. …

Whatever that spark is that makes each of us alive and unique … mine had gone. … I was shut down. I was tired. I was afraid. Small. Quiet. …

Why?

You never say yes to anything.

Maybe it was time to start saying yes.”

And so her Year of Yes begins.

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What Rhimes says yes to ...

• The sun

• Speaking the whole truth

• Surrendering the Mommy War

• All play and no work

• Her body

• Joining the club

• No (and difficult conversations)

• People

• Dancing it out

• Who she is

She gives the commencement speech at her alma mater, Dartmouth College. She accepts invites to private parties. She prioritizes playing with her three daughters over just about everything else. She agrees to being interviewed on TV.

As her yesses continue, she begins to see clearly how she got where she was, how she became so unhappy.

It sounds a bit like what happened to all of us during COVID lockdowns ...

“My friends self-selected down to a smaller core group. I stayed home more. And spent more time working. More time alone. More time hiding.

Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one no at a time. No to going out tonight. No to catching up with that old college roommate. No to attending that party. No to going on a vacation. No to making a new friend.”

Her yesses continue to pile up, along with her revelations. Including that no one could have guessed or prescribed what would make her happy. She had to discover that for herself.

“The praise I received for having a guy everyone hoped I would marry eclipsed any and all praise or congratulations or excitement that accompanied the birth of my children and any of my many career accomplishments. It was stunning. …

A dude. Versus three children; an entire night of television; a Peabody Award; a Golden Globe; lifetime achievement awards from the DGA, the WGA and GLAAD; 14 NAACP Image Awards: three AFI Awards: a Harvard medal: and being inducted into the Broadcasting Hall of Fame – to name just a few of my many accomplishments.

A dude. …

Like my street value went up because a guy wanted me.

You know what’s a bigger taboo than being fat?

Not wanting to get married.

Remind me to start a revolution about that later.”

Here is your reminder, Ms. Rhimes!

And as she learns what truly makes her happy, she learns that she wants more of it.

“One of the most surprising things about Grey’s Anatomy’s becoming a big hit was how unhappy it made me. …

I still couldn’t own being powerful. I tried hard to make myself smaller. As small as possible. Tried not to take up space or make too much noise. Every time I won an award or something big happened, I worked to appear a little bit sillier and sweeter and simpler in the face of my own greatness.

I just wanted everyone else to feel comfortable.

Funny thing is, no one ever asked me to do it. …

I clearly was NOT loving myself. Everyone would agree about that.

I don’t know that I ever would have changed. If Delorse hadn’t said her six words and this Year of Yes hadn’t happened.

So, yes.

I can take a compliment now. Thank you. Smile.

But now I’ve got this new goal. I want it.

Badassery.

I want to feel free to swagger.”

She's finally enjoying not just her work, which she has always loved, but her whole life.

Throughout “Year of Yes,” Rhimes confides in the reader as she would a friend. She makes us laugh. She invites us along to show us what scares her, what drives her, what makes her unique, and what she hopes to become. Through her experiences, we see how we might face our own fears and act on creating a better life for ourselves.

Don't worry ... I may have shared some of my dog ears with you, but trust me, I saved all the best stuff for your own reading of the book!